


Longing

by Kantayra



Category: Smoke Series - Tanya Huff
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-14
Updated: 2007-06-14
Packaged: 2017-10-19 02:56:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/196086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kantayra/pseuds/Kantayra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It couldn't have been the first time Lee attracted a man, but it was the first time he ever noticed it...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Longing

**Author's Note:**

> Written for jenab's request in Round V of slashfest: _Lee/Tony: Lee has started watching Tony and realizes he might not be so straight after all._ Originally posted [here](http://community.livejournal.com/slashfest/142704.html).

Lee Nicolas had always attracted women. He had a great smile, and good enough looks to get a secondary role on a syndicated TV show on a backwater network (although certainly not good enough to get him much better), and he could act well enough that, no matter how he actually felt about someone, they always came away from the encounter thinking that they’d really _connected_. It was a talent that had been getting him dates since pretty much the day he’d hit puberty.

Logic dictated, therefore, that this wasn’t the first time he’d attracted a man, too. It was the first time Lee had ever really noticed it, though, and he spent more time than he’d ever admit trying to figure out why.

Tony had always been one of those people who thought he was inconspicuous, yet had the tendency to catch Lee’s eye right away. He was smart and funny and quirky and a genuinely nice guy. He also had a certain _awareness_ in the depths of his eyes, like he’d endured more in his life thus far than most people would in their entire lives, but it didn’t seem to have sullied his bright character in the slightest. Lee had always been good at assessing people, boiling them down to their core elements quickly, yet Tony had thrown him for a bit of a loop. He was still a kid, almost, but his eyes bespoke of an old – if gentle – soul.

Tony’s ears had also turned increasingly red every time he was in Lee’s presence. It was always worst when they bumped into each other in the hallways on set, when Tony would be startled and unprepared. Lee was absolutely positive that Tony wasn’t aware of his blush, and that fascinated him all the more, because Tony could seem so open when they talked but was clearly bottling up so much at the same time, like there were hidden layers there just waiting to be explored. To someone like Lee, who had the natural talent to get inside anyone’s head, real or fictional, Tony was…a challenge.

There was also the part where Lee had strange, dark dreams. A black fog leapt and flickered at the corners of his mind, his body was not his to control, and alien, slimy thoughts oozed through his consciousness. More often than not, he woke from those dreams screaming and drenched in sweat to find that he’d left all the lights on before he’d gone to bed. He’d never done that before; he hadn’t even been afraid of the dark as a kid. But for some reason, the inky blackness made him nervous now.

But those were the bad dreams. There were good dreams, too. Dreams where he was kissing someone, pressing a warm body into the door of his dressing room, covering smooth skin with the palms of his hands. Lee would hear a groan issue from deep in his partner’s throat, and he’d pull back when he realized that it was a _man_ he was kissing, and Tony’s face would be staring back at him, eyes lidded and lips swollen.

Lee woke from those dreams in a sweat, too, but for entirely different reasons.

Taken alone, however, the dreams probably wouldn’t have changed anything. It was the first time Lee had ever thought of a man like _that_ , but he was still dating women, still enjoying women, and he knew enough about human psychology to realize that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar…especially in dreams.

The moment things _really_ changed, he realized now that he reflected back on it, was that afternoon during post-production on the season one finale, when he’d come in to dub over some of the sound work that was causing the techs no small amount of hardship. He’d gotten up early that morning, so he’d decided to go straight in to work. When he’d arrived, Zev and Amy – part of the infamous Lee Nicholas charm was always knowing the names of everyone, including the little guys – were discussing something in loud, very heated voices.

“It’s not fair,” Zev had whined, and Lee was trying to be generous, but it really _had_ been a whine.

“Aww,” Amy retorted sarcastically, “is Tony’s magic ass taunting you with its sexy goodness again?”

“Do not joke about that which you cannot understand,” Zev retorted with a fond sigh. “And it is a nice ass, isn’t it?”

“Hey.” Amy snatched back a handful of papers. “Be careful or you’ll get crush-germs all over my work!”

Zev snickered at that and leaned back against the desk. Lee had the uncomfortable realization that he was listening to something that really should have been private and was about to slip out gracefully, when Zev spoke again and his words kept Lee riveted in place:

“It’s not fair, though. Lee Nicolas could tap that any time he wanted, and he doesn’t even want to. Why, cruel universe, _why_?”

Amy patted his arm in a way that came across as more condescending than comforting and lunged for the ringing phone.

Lee made his opportunity to escape before he could be noticed in the natural lull in the conversation. He walked back out to his car without even thinking about it and leaned sweaty palms on the hood, trying to catch his breath. He was overcome with sudden images of Tony’s mouth on his, bent back over the hood naked, open and willing and…oh, _god_!

Lee had gay friends, of course, but he’d never really _thought_ about it before. The images in his head were so visceral, all-consuming, and suddenly something that he would have guaranteed that he had no interest in only a year ago seemed strangely alluring.

Needless to say, his voice-over work that day hadn’t been his best.

Even worse, from that point on, he couldn’t help but _notice_ Tony every time he was near. Zev had been right; Tony _did_ have a nice ass, with just the right amount of curve to it. And now every time Tony’s ears turned red in Lee’s presence, Lee couldn’t help but wonder how far that blush went down.

It got to the point where one evening he finally couldn’t take it anymore and called his old friend Ryan from high school. Lee and Ryan had been good friends until 10th grade when Ryan had come out before being out was cool. In the next two years, the administration had had to add ten separate addenda to the student dress code just to try to suppress Ryan’s increasingly flamboyant ways. Lee hadn’t really understood at the time, but he’d tried to be supportive. Ryan, on the other hand, had grown more and more distant and moody until, by the time they graduated, he and Lee couldn’t really be called friends anymore. They’d reconnected on MySpace recently, however, and Ryan had less of a chip on his shoulder and Lee was less clueless, so they’d talked a few times. If Lee knew any expert on gay men (or one who didn’t know Tony personally, at least), Ryan was it.

They met for lunch at Café Royale one Thursday, and Lee’s opening volley, after their standard greetings, left Ryan quiet for quite some time:

“How did you know that you were gay?”

Ryan stirred his coffee and thought about the issue seriously. He’d developed a rather studious air as he aged and, despite the persistence of his black eyeliner, looked almost nothing like the gawky, rebellious kid Lee had once known.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up,” Lee finally said nervously when Ryan had been quiet for too long.

“No…” Ryan corrected him softly, glancing around to make sure they wouldn’t be overheard. “You think you’re gay?”

And that made Lee go quiet. He had a moment’s fear that Ryan thought he was coming on to him, but Ryan had a steady boyfriend, from what he’d told Lee, and Ryan seemed more concerned and curious than expectant, so Lee was probably panicking for no reason. “I’m not really sure,” he hedged.

“You fucked a guy?” Ryan asked, direct and abrupt as always.

“What?” Lee half choked on his Coke. “No!”

Ryan raised a speculative eyebrow.

“But I might want to,” he finally conceded.

Ryan’s lips twitched in what would have been a smile on anyone else. “Yeah, that’s kind of gay. I won’t lie.”

“But I don’t want _him_ to fuck _me_ ,” Lee insisted.

“Wait until you get him naked,” Ryan teased.

Lee blushed in response. Thoughts of Tony naked weren’t helping matters.

“So you want to top, darling?” Ryan went on with an absentminded wave of his hand. “It’s _still_ kind of gay.”

“I just…” Lee sighed. “It’s not _guys_. It’s just this one guy.”

Ryan shrugged. “Then does it really matter if you’re straight or gay or bi? If you want one guy, go for one guy.”

That made a frightening amount of sense.

“What do you want me to say?” Ryan continued. “I can’t tell you what you are or what you like. It’s up to you to figure it out.”

It was a question Lee didn’t have an answer to. He’d tried, in the interval, to block the thoughts from his mind. A series of very dull one-date-wonders had ensued, and by the time the cast of Darkest Night found themselves trapped within a haunted house while on location shoot, Lee had nearly managed to block his concerns about his own sexuality from his mind.

It was funny, in a way, how abject terror could highlight the important things in life. Funny also how crisis situations could make someone Lee had only thought of as a cute crush in the past into a strong leader and a more than reasonable object for full-blown feelings.

Lee had never thought of himself as a particularly needy person before, but it all came together that night: the fear and the dark dreams and the haunting all around them. And, most of all, Tony, who seemed so strong and so human all at the same time. Lee could see Tony’s insecurity, but Tony still made him feel safe and…

When their lips met, it was like the world ended. Every single time. Lee knew, then, that he’d been fooling himself, and this wasn’t just a passing fancy. His feelings for Tony were as real as ghosts and hauntings and wizards and who the fuck knew what else.

If there had ever been a night where Lee found himself and broke himself down all at once, that was it.

It had taken weeks, months, to recover after that. He’d been a space case that whole time, he knew. It was just too much. Horrible flashbacks to shadows, plus learning that all that supernatural stuff was real, plus finally coming to terms with the fact that he wanted another man? It was enough to leave anyone stunned.

Fortunately, he was an actor and could fool almost anyone, even when he wasn’t really present in his own body. Unfortunately, one of those people he couldn’t fool was Tony Foster.

Tony had been…cooler to him since those hot kisses. He didn’t blush or stumble whenever he ran into Lee anymore. In fact, he didn’t blush or stumble at all. There was an unspoken understanding on set that Tony wasn’t just a gopher or an intern or an assistant director or any other job title he might be given. Tony had authority now, power, and he carried himself with it, even if he wasn’t aware of it.

It was the man Lee had seen in him from the very beginning, brought to the fore.

It also meant that Lee couldn’t just sit back and enjoy Tony’s crush without committing himself. Lee had wondered for a while if, now that Tony had found his footing in the world, he wouldn’t want Lee anymore. Most actors were insecure, but Lee was at least self-aware enough to realize that about himself. He could see what Klutzy Kid Tony would want from him, but a part of him couldn’t quite buy that Powerful Wizard Tony would feel the same way. After all, he was just a television actor with a pretty face, and Tony was…

Tony was everything.

It just would have been perfect dramatic irony, like something the writers would come up with at two in the morning while drunk, that Lee had fallen for Tony just as soon as Tony stopped wanting Lee. Thoughts of Tony were still keeping Lee up at nights, but these times there was an undercurrent of despair. He would see the curve of Tony’s ass bending over some piece of set equipment or hear his laugh down the hallway and a nasty little voice whispered in the back of his head, “Not mine. Not anymore…”

Lee wouldn’t call himself a brave man most days. He wasn’t a coward, but he didn’t think he could do some of the things Tony had done, facing off against horrors that he still wasn’t sure he fully comprehended. But he finally had to face up to himself that he had to be brave now. He could spend the next few years on set looking at Tony and longing, or he could finally face one of the strangest, scariest, most exhilarating things he’d ever learned about himself.

When Tony said “yes” and kissed Lee hard, Lee thanked whoever could hear him that he’d always been able to attract anyone he wanted.

And when Tony’s fingers tangled deep in his hair and he felt his feet slip out from under him with dizzy ecstasy, he thought that just maybe Tony was the one to make him understand just what it was about him, beyond the pretty face and acting chops, that made him so attractive in the first place.


End file.
